I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
