I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
