If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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