i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
