Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
