Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Did I show you my penis last night?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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