What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
