If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
