I got chris browned last night
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
