he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
