So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
