This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize