so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
