he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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