If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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