I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
