pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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