When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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