ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
