My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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