Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
