did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
