Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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