They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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