I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
