Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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