I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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