Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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