I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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