Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My cat gives me a boner
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
