I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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