Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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