The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
