dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
