I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
