If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
