True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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