I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
