well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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