It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
they're like a gay fantastic four
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
