You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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