We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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