my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
