Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize