I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
