Come see our sink grown plant.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
