he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
