Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
