i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize