I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
