maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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