My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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