why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
So squirting runs in the family.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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