i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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