I CAN MOONWALK!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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