the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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