i barfeds in our rink
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
