All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
