Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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