Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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