my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you are never too drunk for berry picking
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
