you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
