She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
