Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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