Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The adults are the big ones right?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
