I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i love accidental penises.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
