The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
