I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
