Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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